Part 1: Victory and Loss

You were a mystery to me then.

Your fingers passed methodically across the keys, ivory and black. Calculating. A puzzle, ruthless efficiency beneath the veneer of innocence. In your eyes I almost saw my own. Then you blinked and turned away, your hands returning to their hollow tune.

I think I've already lost you

You are a mystery to me now.

We fight each other, here in the same gray room. You and I are lost together, here in this same perfect moment. Yet I think you are not here.

I think you're already gone

You speak of things that don't matter, can't matter. You speak of them as though you believe. Peace. The promise made by the powerful to placate the weak.

Behind your eyes I see your words are false.

The ruthless beauty of steel is all that holds us together. It is everything. All we have is the comfort of hatred.

I thought you understood.

I think I'm finally scared now

He understood as you didn't.

Your acquaintance, the so-called 'perfect' soldier gave me the fight you denied and defeated me as quickly. Simple, implacable, like fighting a mountain, the mystery was hidden in his depths; his movement liquid steel. I could have broken him after I learned him, chipped away to his center, so long as I did not meet his face.

A mystery solved...too late.

But you, you intrigue me as you refuse me still. You fight in pieces, halfway, your secret not in the effort but in the lack.

You think I'm weak

You distract me with words, as though I am foolish enough to be put off by conversation. Of course, you have every reason to underestimate me. You fought me already between your zero system and my mobile dolls. You fought me and defeated me as quickly as your friend.

From that I understand you enough.

I think you're wrong

You are a hypocrite. You've killed more people, destroyed more lives, than I could ever hope to. For what? A people who betrayed you because you cared too much. If the weak were so important, we would already have peace. War is the playing field of the strong. By denying that you cheapen it, as you cheapen this fight by not even attempting to take my life.

I think you're already leaving

You hide because you don't have the courage to face me. You lack the courage to embrace your strength. Instead you are only broken lies of kindness surrounded by death.

Feels like your hand is on the door

I will kill you. I will keep you. I will find your weakness and I will own you.

I will solve you. Understand that place behind your eyes that mirrored mine before you turned away. Understand the connection between us. Understand why you want to save me, what you want to save me from.

I understand you enough but not completely.

I thought this place was an empire

The empire is falling. Only the struggle remains. Walking the line between pain and death, we have to find our place. It is hard; it is efficient; it is beautiful; but it is not kind.

Your kindness is a betrayal.

I know this.

now I'm relaxed

I know you are just trying to distract me from my purpose with your puzzles. But I am ruthless in spite of that.

Do you feel my sword tear into you, how close it came to your heart? Do you feel the blood run down your body? I taste triumph. I have defeated you.

I can't be sure

You must know now the power I have. I could have killed you.

Instead I have kept you.

Because I want to understand.

I think you're so mean

You barely touch your bleeding side. Your breathing is shallow but your words are clear. Still, you preach about kindness.

Why can't you just be quiet?

I think we should try

We need to recapture the moment. Remember, I am your enemy. We have the greatest connection; we are worthy opponents.

I think I can need this in my life.

I need you only as my enemy.

I think I'm scared

You are making me weak.

I think too much

I should have killed you. I should have stabbed you through the heart again and again. I should have laughed, watched you die at my feet.

I know its wrong

I should not care. I know the price of weakness. My past is littered with the bodies of those I have cared about, those who made the mistake of caring for me. You should not care. It doesn't matter. You will be gone soon enough.

that's the problem I'm feeling

When all of my enemies are gone who will I have left?

if you're gone

Where will I go?

My body hurts. Victory is acid in my veins. I can't loss touch me. If I let pain touch me, I will be nothing but mystery and pain.

Your friend comes forward and helps push you to your feet.

But I can hardly move

I am frozen. I should move but I can't. We are here together, locked in place and for a moment your eyes are a mirror of my own. For a second, it seems like you might stay, here with me.

If you're gone

Then I blink and the moment is gone.

I fall to the ground sitting, staring.

I am wrong. You are another person who has abandoned me. Your promises can ultimately amount to nothing. I can't stand in the face of your pity, your kindness. Through my tears, I see you walk out the door.

maybe you need to come home

And I am left with another puzzle within a puzzle. I can't remember the last time I cried. The tears seem as far from me as the part of me that still wants to hate you. The part that wants to hate your friendship, hate that your answer has defeated mine.

I want to forget the mirror, the offer I saw in your parting glance.

I want to...

come home

...follow.

But I am paralyzed, remembering you. Remembering what we could have shared. Remembering that I could have killed you. But I didn't.

Remembering that I should have followed. But I couldn't.

Remember,

There's a little bit of something me,

because I was weak.

in everything in you.

I chose my pain instead.


				*If You're Gone* *Part 1: Victory and Loss*



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